(This story is not finished, and in a rather large mess. In an effort to get myself to work on it, I’m going to start putting it up on my blog, episodically.)
Cuthbert the Giraffe
Prologue
By David Bowie[1]
Few could have imagined, in 1999, or even the year 2000, that the day would come when we would all be listening to the likes of Cuthbert. His talent is unimaginable, but in the days before Darren King[2] first paved the way, nobody would have realised this. In the early twentieth century a groundswell of feeling finally emerged to become a full-blown movement: animal rights became every nation's passion. The governments, of course, had to respond, and thus came the new era. I am, of course, punning here - the new era was the E.R.A, or Equal Rights for Animals Act, and anyone born before its enactment will know how thoroughly that Act changed the world.
Imagine a world where animals were kept in zoos and laughed at, were eaten, tested on, and valued at best as favourite ornaments in people's houses: Look, this one lives!…and next to it there is my model replica of the Cutty Sark, worth quite a bob now, don't you know. To those of the younger generation this of course sounds incredibly cruel, however they must realise that it was not until ten years after the publication of King's novel that the BABEL-fish was created (and created, ironically, with the help of the deaths of thousands of sea-dwellers). Douglas Adams imagined it, Darren King inspired it, and Messrs Francis Iderholm and Jan Beer created it. If God has since vanished in a puff of logic, that doesn't really matter because we never really noticed Him/Her anyway, and now we have much better flea-circuses, cats that really do talk to you[3] (thus lessening the rates of insanity among humans), and horses that are much easier to handle as long as they are law-abiding and you do not piss them off. We also, of course, now have Cuthbert. Superstar to the highest degree.
And now, I will leave you in the capable hands of Miss JM Burgoyne, Cuthbert's capable biographer.
Chapter One: What Inspired THE QUEST
Cuthbert was a lonely giraffe. He was scorned by the other giraffes for various reasons. Some objected to the lack of spots on one of his legs and roughly 1/4 of his neck, others to the fact that some of his spots were square, polygons or pentagonal, rather than properly rounded shapes. Quite a few people did find his mane or 'neck-ruff' quite cute, but were then put off by the disconcerting way that his legs, when he stood, formed Roman arches. Most people, however, simply disliked the awful[4] combination of his arrogant smirk, and his strong, chiselled profile.
This is the tale of Cuthbert the Giraffe - known to everyone alive - and his quest for selfhood, stardom, and a parrot.
[1] This Prologue is not really by David Bowie. In case anyone was confused.
[2] With his seminal text 'Jim Giraffe'.
[3] The combination of the reassuring company a talking cat can provide, and the realisation that many people who thought their cats were talking to them were actually right, has greatly decreased the rates of insanity among humans, for which we are very grateful to the cats, and in particular Cat’s-Are-Concerned, which arranges visitations for lonely humans who are at risk.
[4] It is important here to note the double meaning within the word ‘awful’. I mean of course firstly that people disliked this combination, but also mean to hint at the jealousy created by Cuthbert’s wondrous appearance, which is truly awe-full. (I admit that, as with all biographers, I am a partial observer.)
Cuthbert the Giraffe
Prologue
By David Bowie[1]
Few could have imagined, in 1999, or even the year 2000, that the day would come when we would all be listening to the likes of Cuthbert. His talent is unimaginable, but in the days before Darren King[2] first paved the way, nobody would have realised this. In the early twentieth century a groundswell of feeling finally emerged to become a full-blown movement: animal rights became every nation's passion. The governments, of course, had to respond, and thus came the new era. I am, of course, punning here - the new era was the E.R.A, or Equal Rights for Animals Act, and anyone born before its enactment will know how thoroughly that Act changed the world.
Imagine a world where animals were kept in zoos and laughed at, were eaten, tested on, and valued at best as favourite ornaments in people's houses: Look, this one lives!…and next to it there is my model replica of the Cutty Sark, worth quite a bob now, don't you know. To those of the younger generation this of course sounds incredibly cruel, however they must realise that it was not until ten years after the publication of King's novel that the BABEL-fish was created (and created, ironically, with the help of the deaths of thousands of sea-dwellers). Douglas Adams imagined it, Darren King inspired it, and Messrs Francis Iderholm and Jan Beer created it. If God has since vanished in a puff of logic, that doesn't really matter because we never really noticed Him/Her anyway, and now we have much better flea-circuses, cats that really do talk to you[3] (thus lessening the rates of insanity among humans), and horses that are much easier to handle as long as they are law-abiding and you do not piss them off. We also, of course, now have Cuthbert. Superstar to the highest degree.
And now, I will leave you in the capable hands of Miss JM Burgoyne, Cuthbert's capable biographer.
Chapter One: What Inspired THE QUEST
Cuthbert was a lonely giraffe. He was scorned by the other giraffes for various reasons. Some objected to the lack of spots on one of his legs and roughly 1/4 of his neck, others to the fact that some of his spots were square, polygons or pentagonal, rather than properly rounded shapes. Quite a few people did find his mane or 'neck-ruff' quite cute, but were then put off by the disconcerting way that his legs, when he stood, formed Roman arches. Most people, however, simply disliked the awful[4] combination of his arrogant smirk, and his strong, chiselled profile.
This is the tale of Cuthbert the Giraffe - known to everyone alive - and his quest for selfhood, stardom, and a parrot.
[1] This Prologue is not really by David Bowie. In case anyone was confused.
[2] With his seminal text 'Jim Giraffe'.
[3] The combination of the reassuring company a talking cat can provide, and the realisation that many people who thought their cats were talking to them were actually right, has greatly decreased the rates of insanity among humans, for which we are very grateful to the cats, and in particular Cat’s-Are-Concerned, which arranges visitations for lonely humans who are at risk.
[4] It is important here to note the double meaning within the word ‘awful’. I mean of course firstly that people disliked this combination, but also mean to hint at the jealousy created by Cuthbert’s wondrous appearance, which is truly awe-full. (I admit that, as with all biographers, I am a partial observer.)
RSS Feed
