Causes hysteria. This is science-fact.
By the end of it the four of us (me on just a cup of tea, the others had had a couple of airplane drinks) were giggling at everything. Like walking along the Nothing to Declare (Customs) aisle - hoping that you didn't need to declare a massive lump of parmesan and a bottle of balsamic vinegar - and seeing a 'Bird Flu Surrender Point'. Wildly optimistic I think. (Bird Flu can't read, and even if it did, would it obey the command?) Actually I was the only one who laughed at that. Tea, it's a strong substance.
So, basically, we managed to get to the airport (Bologna) on time. Me, Lizzie, Sujata and Toby. Having attempted to teach/art/sport/drama about 60 Italian kids for two weeks. We left a bit late, had to take a different exit because our driver's first choice was closed, but somehow we arrived in plenty of time. Magic!
We had a cup of tea, some Kinder chocolate stick things (I can never remember what they're called, but the boy on the front inspired my naked-teeth confusion dream - I'll explain that later, if I remember.), and then walked through the scanners, past the passport people etc, and I think it was Lizzie who said, "Wow, I've never had such a hassle-free journey." Or something like that. Obviously the title of this post has already told you where this is going.
We got on the plane and sat around for a while. The captain man gave us regular updates. Their systems were registering a problem. An engineer had been called. Sujata noticed retrospectively that he'd never said, "We'll be leaving shortly." This was a clue. Basically, in the end they'd found a sensor in the engine which wasn't working. They sent us off the plane and gave us a complimentary sandwich and drink at the somewhat rubbish cafe (I've known many better sandwiches). We ambled round a bit, and then sat to watch Coupling (I had Quentin with me! - laptop). HALFWAY through the first episode of Season 2 - where Jeff has too many legs - we were summoned somewhere. And then somewhere else. There wasn't much information going on. Generally we acted like dazed herd beasts, hoping that the one in front knew where he or she was actually going. Rumours. Many rumours. Occasionally we glimpsed a person who was in a BA uniform. Occasionally there was an announcement, which was always in Italian first, which gave them an advantage! We went in one place and out another. We were told to go to Belt 8 for our luggage. We got to Belt 6 and that seemed to be the last. We went to Lost Property and queued there for a while. We managed to find Belt 8. We got our luggage. We went a few other places. Someone's company had direct access to BA and had been told they were flying in a plane to come get us. (Oh, yes, by then we'd discovered somehow that the plane was unfixable.) We had to go to the BA check-in desks. Possibly. We herded along.
There were two groups of us - who'd been teaching at two nearby schools. The bigger group, and then us. My (smaller) group queued to rebook our tickets (this seemed to be the thing to do, or we'd heard something like that) but in the wrong queue - so we got to the front and were told to go to the queue with the other big group. But this wasn't a queue, it was just a 'sitting vaguely in a line'. They were playing cards. I tried to fix Lizzie's wheely suitcase by sellotaping a pencil sharpener to it (one of its standy bits had fallen off). However, despite my being known, as a child, as 'The Sellotape Girl', my skills were not up to the job. At one point (when were were in the wrong queue), Lizzie asked me to tell her one of my funny tales, to cheer her up, so I told her about Sir Humpalot, aka Sugar, the rabbit who we used to babysit in America, and the kitten, which we'd also look after. She liked the story :)
Then TOBY went CRAZY!!! Well, not crazy, but he got stressed out enough to go briefly awol, and returned having done something: although initially he'd been against the idea, insisting he was getting on a plane here and now or else, he now had signed up for The Coach. They were coaching people to Milan (Linate) to fly out from there. People with connections had priority. But there was just enough space for 4 other people. We were for some reason added under his surname. So we were his siblings. And mother/somewhat older sister. (Sorry Sujata!)
We then were all called for the coach. We ran out, desperately searching for it. We looked left and then right. It was neither way. It hadn't arrived yet. Everyone waited (again). Sujata found a sponge ball in her bag and Toby and I tried to play hand tennis with it. But we stopped after this man had to pick it up for us about 10 times in a minute. On the coach Toby snuck on a secret side entrance, we went the main way and registered him, and he'd saved us a weird set of four seats around a table - like on a train except this was a tin can old coach which I think gave us fleas. Toby kindly switched with me so I didn't have to travel backwards (makes me feel sick).
When we got to Milan - or, possibly, at some point in Bologna - we went through a non-manned passport control. We figured as no-one was there we could just walk through. The plane had kindly waited for us for an hour. Well, the hostess said they'd been delayed a bit anyway. No-one actually hissed or booed as all us Bologna people staggered onto (well, we capered - hysteria!) the plane, but they probably hated us. We were the Back Row. Well, I was the Second to Back Row. Toby, Lizzie and Sujata were the back row.
We asked for extra wraps - 'Back Row is hungry, could you give them an extra wrap?' Yay! The others were given extra drinks. I snoozed and listened to music for a bit, and when I turned my music off because we were starting to land, they were in an excited discussion about all the horrendous ways you can die in an airport, why they ask you to adopt the brace position, that the oxygen is actually to sedate you (I don't know if any of this is true).... And when we landed - well, you know when a car goes round a corner too fast and sort of goes on two wheels? It felt a bit like that.
We cracked up.
The air hostess said to the air host (who'd given us the extra wraps which, by the way, are delicious - best plane food I've ever had, thanks BA!), "Back Row is giggling. It's my fault. I gave them extra drinks."
I think he may have asked if everyone was ok. They were very nice air steward people. Air hosts.
On the way off the plane I joked that I'd set it all up (the delay) so my parents would be able to pick me up from the airport, having by this time completed their 40th anniversary partying (thanks parents!!). And the air host said now we had a train to catch. I looked at him in a cross between anger and disbelief. And he said, "Don't look at me like that. Mummy and Daddy can't pick you up from here." Patronising joking tone. Brilliant :)
And there was a train, too! In the airport. Apparently Heathrow's quite big. We were loudly chatting about where the train went - because on the line we were the first/last stop, but the train (empty) went somewhere else first, and a German (I think) lady told us never to ask this question, because if you rode the train the wrong way, you couldn't go back, but had to go all the way in and out of security again, and then be put on a 'special bus' for the stupid people who disobeyed the rules. So we behaved ourselves. I kept directing Toby the wrong way, to follow the purple signs (BA were giving hotels to those with connections, and we'd been told to follow those signs to get to flight connections). He luckily ignored me. But then, at the end, he unfortunately continued to ignore me - went through passport control to collect his luggage (surely a necessary act before going to a hotel) and then the purple signs disappeared! In the end, however, the hotels were just for those with connections anyway. He found another one, with his own mind and money, and went there.
Well, I got to the arrivals bit and my mummy and daddy were waiting. Actually, my mummy had nipped off to the loo, but she soon returned. So it all worked out perfectly for me. Hurrah!
(And we all now have laughing-sixpacks. We reckon.)
By the end of it the four of us (me on just a cup of tea, the others had had a couple of airplane drinks) were giggling at everything. Like walking along the Nothing to Declare (Customs) aisle - hoping that you didn't need to declare a massive lump of parmesan and a bottle of balsamic vinegar - and seeing a 'Bird Flu Surrender Point'. Wildly optimistic I think. (Bird Flu can't read, and even if it did, would it obey the command?) Actually I was the only one who laughed at that. Tea, it's a strong substance.
So, basically, we managed to get to the airport (Bologna) on time. Me, Lizzie, Sujata and Toby. Having attempted to teach/art/sport/drama about 60 Italian kids for two weeks. We left a bit late, had to take a different exit because our driver's first choice was closed, but somehow we arrived in plenty of time. Magic!
We had a cup of tea, some Kinder chocolate stick things (I can never remember what they're called, but the boy on the front inspired my naked-teeth confusion dream - I'll explain that later, if I remember.), and then walked through the scanners, past the passport people etc, and I think it was Lizzie who said, "Wow, I've never had such a hassle-free journey." Or something like that. Obviously the title of this post has already told you where this is going.
We got on the plane and sat around for a while. The captain man gave us regular updates. Their systems were registering a problem. An engineer had been called. Sujata noticed retrospectively that he'd never said, "We'll be leaving shortly." This was a clue. Basically, in the end they'd found a sensor in the engine which wasn't working. They sent us off the plane and gave us a complimentary sandwich and drink at the somewhat rubbish cafe (I've known many better sandwiches). We ambled round a bit, and then sat to watch Coupling (I had Quentin with me! - laptop). HALFWAY through the first episode of Season 2 - where Jeff has too many legs - we were summoned somewhere. And then somewhere else. There wasn't much information going on. Generally we acted like dazed herd beasts, hoping that the one in front knew where he or she was actually going. Rumours. Many rumours. Occasionally we glimpsed a person who was in a BA uniform. Occasionally there was an announcement, which was always in Italian first, which gave them an advantage! We went in one place and out another. We were told to go to Belt 8 for our luggage. We got to Belt 6 and that seemed to be the last. We went to Lost Property and queued there for a while. We managed to find Belt 8. We got our luggage. We went a few other places. Someone's company had direct access to BA and had been told they were flying in a plane to come get us. (Oh, yes, by then we'd discovered somehow that the plane was unfixable.) We had to go to the BA check-in desks. Possibly. We herded along.
There were two groups of us - who'd been teaching at two nearby schools. The bigger group, and then us. My (smaller) group queued to rebook our tickets (this seemed to be the thing to do, or we'd heard something like that) but in the wrong queue - so we got to the front and were told to go to the queue with the other big group. But this wasn't a queue, it was just a 'sitting vaguely in a line'. They were playing cards. I tried to fix Lizzie's wheely suitcase by sellotaping a pencil sharpener to it (one of its standy bits had fallen off). However, despite my being known, as a child, as 'The Sellotape Girl', my skills were not up to the job. At one point (when were were in the wrong queue), Lizzie asked me to tell her one of my funny tales, to cheer her up, so I told her about Sir Humpalot, aka Sugar, the rabbit who we used to babysit in America, and the kitten, which we'd also look after. She liked the story :)
Then TOBY went CRAZY!!! Well, not crazy, but he got stressed out enough to go briefly awol, and returned having done something: although initially he'd been against the idea, insisting he was getting on a plane here and now or else, he now had signed up for The Coach. They were coaching people to Milan (Linate) to fly out from there. People with connections had priority. But there was just enough space for 4 other people. We were for some reason added under his surname. So we were his siblings. And mother/somewhat older sister. (Sorry Sujata!)
We then were all called for the coach. We ran out, desperately searching for it. We looked left and then right. It was neither way. It hadn't arrived yet. Everyone waited (again). Sujata found a sponge ball in her bag and Toby and I tried to play hand tennis with it. But we stopped after this man had to pick it up for us about 10 times in a minute. On the coach Toby snuck on a secret side entrance, we went the main way and registered him, and he'd saved us a weird set of four seats around a table - like on a train except this was a tin can old coach which I think gave us fleas. Toby kindly switched with me so I didn't have to travel backwards (makes me feel sick).
When we got to Milan - or, possibly, at some point in Bologna - we went through a non-manned passport control. We figured as no-one was there we could just walk through. The plane had kindly waited for us for an hour. Well, the hostess said they'd been delayed a bit anyway. No-one actually hissed or booed as all us Bologna people staggered onto (well, we capered - hysteria!) the plane, but they probably hated us. We were the Back Row. Well, I was the Second to Back Row. Toby, Lizzie and Sujata were the back row.
We asked for extra wraps - 'Back Row is hungry, could you give them an extra wrap?' Yay! The others were given extra drinks. I snoozed and listened to music for a bit, and when I turned my music off because we were starting to land, they were in an excited discussion about all the horrendous ways you can die in an airport, why they ask you to adopt the brace position, that the oxygen is actually to sedate you (I don't know if any of this is true).... And when we landed - well, you know when a car goes round a corner too fast and sort of goes on two wheels? It felt a bit like that.
We cracked up.
The air hostess said to the air host (who'd given us the extra wraps which, by the way, are delicious - best plane food I've ever had, thanks BA!), "Back Row is giggling. It's my fault. I gave them extra drinks."
I think he may have asked if everyone was ok. They were very nice air steward people. Air hosts.
On the way off the plane I joked that I'd set it all up (the delay) so my parents would be able to pick me up from the airport, having by this time completed their 40th anniversary partying (thanks parents!!). And the air host said now we had a train to catch. I looked at him in a cross between anger and disbelief. And he said, "Don't look at me like that. Mummy and Daddy can't pick you up from here." Patronising joking tone. Brilliant :)
And there was a train, too! In the airport. Apparently Heathrow's quite big. We were loudly chatting about where the train went - because on the line we were the first/last stop, but the train (empty) went somewhere else first, and a German (I think) lady told us never to ask this question, because if you rode the train the wrong way, you couldn't go back, but had to go all the way in and out of security again, and then be put on a 'special bus' for the stupid people who disobeyed the rules. So we behaved ourselves. I kept directing Toby the wrong way, to follow the purple signs (BA were giving hotels to those with connections, and we'd been told to follow those signs to get to flight connections). He luckily ignored me. But then, at the end, he unfortunately continued to ignore me - went through passport control to collect his luggage (surely a necessary act before going to a hotel) and then the purple signs disappeared! In the end, however, the hotels were just for those with connections anyway. He found another one, with his own mind and money, and went there.
Well, I got to the arrivals bit and my mummy and daddy were waiting. Actually, my mummy had nipped off to the loo, but she soon returned. So it all worked out perfectly for me. Hurrah!
(And we all now have laughing-sixpacks. We reckon.)
RSS Feed
