"What do you think of the term unconditional love, what comes to mind? Try to be as brief as possible in your answer."
My first, instinctive reaction, and all the subsequent ones, were a little...worrying...for me. Here is what I wrote:
Prison.
A loss of all agency and self-control.
A loss of all critical facilities.
A death of any love for myself - I would no longer matter (no longer come first).
A lack of self-love so I must find someone 'better' to place my affections on.)
(I assume it's not actually a zero-sum game, but when I think of the love of a partner or a child, these are the thoughts that come to mind.)
Also, I think love should be conditional. Even self-love: if you universally accepted yourself what would drive you to become better? What would you say about your flaws? Would you just love them too? Should I love the fact that I am so jealous? So angry? Or should I not love those bits and try to improve them. I know self-hatred is bad, and unproductive, but then, on the other side of that, uncritical love, even uncritical acceptance, leads to stagnation. And an acceptance of crap.
Yes, my friends who mean the most to me accept me as I am. Flaws and all. I know there is nothing I can say to them that would stop them being my friends. But they will still say if they think I'm being an asshole, help me try to improve....
It all depends, really, on how you define things - how you define unconditional love. Many people would say that it is loving always but you don't necessarily have to like. So, with your child, we all agree - I think? - that unconditional love is important, maybe vital. But that you also somehow have to have the 'that's not ok. I love you but that's not ok.' Or maybe 'I don't like you right now, but I still love you?'/'I don't like what you are doing,' is I guess the best.... These are, though, all references to conditions. So is it, basically, conditional love except that we are all too afraid to admit that we do have conditions on our affections for people. For our children, for our friends. There must be some things. There should be some things. For example if I continually attacked and cut down even the best of my friends - if I didn't like them, then I hope they would stop loving me.
And this is my fear of love - the unconditional, unrestrained, wholly-in love. That it doesn't have those boundaries. I sort-of loved someone and I was treated with utter scorn, and yet I put up with it. I was ripped down to my own shaking skeleton and loved him through it. Largely, admittedly, because it was unreturned love, and yet my whole being depended on him loving me....
LOVE should be conditional. There is a part of me that thinks it's not real if it has conditions - if you're not all in. And that my failures have been because of my holding back.
BUT it should have conditions. It should.
Don't rape me, don't hit me, don't psychologically abuse me....
My first, instinctive reaction, and all the subsequent ones, were a little...worrying...for me. Here is what I wrote:
Prison.
A loss of all agency and self-control.
A loss of all critical facilities.
A death of any love for myself - I would no longer matter (no longer come first).
A lack of self-love so I must find someone 'better' to place my affections on.)
(I assume it's not actually a zero-sum game, but when I think of the love of a partner or a child, these are the thoughts that come to mind.)
Also, I think love should be conditional. Even self-love: if you universally accepted yourself what would drive you to become better? What would you say about your flaws? Would you just love them too? Should I love the fact that I am so jealous? So angry? Or should I not love those bits and try to improve them. I know self-hatred is bad, and unproductive, but then, on the other side of that, uncritical love, even uncritical acceptance, leads to stagnation. And an acceptance of crap.
Yes, my friends who mean the most to me accept me as I am. Flaws and all. I know there is nothing I can say to them that would stop them being my friends. But they will still say if they think I'm being an asshole, help me try to improve....
It all depends, really, on how you define things - how you define unconditional love. Many people would say that it is loving always but you don't necessarily have to like. So, with your child, we all agree - I think? - that unconditional love is important, maybe vital. But that you also somehow have to have the 'that's not ok. I love you but that's not ok.' Or maybe 'I don't like you right now, but I still love you?'/'I don't like what you are doing,' is I guess the best.... These are, though, all references to conditions. So is it, basically, conditional love except that we are all too afraid to admit that we do have conditions on our affections for people. For our children, for our friends. There must be some things. There should be some things. For example if I continually attacked and cut down even the best of my friends - if I didn't like them, then I hope they would stop loving me.
And this is my fear of love - the unconditional, unrestrained, wholly-in love. That it doesn't have those boundaries. I sort-of loved someone and I was treated with utter scorn, and yet I put up with it. I was ripped down to my own shaking skeleton and loved him through it. Largely, admittedly, because it was unreturned love, and yet my whole being depended on him loving me....
LOVE should be conditional. There is a part of me that thinks it's not real if it has conditions - if you're not all in. And that my failures have been because of my holding back.
BUT it should have conditions. It should.
Don't rape me, don't hit me, don't psychologically abuse me....
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